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Friday, February 24, 2012

License Plate Police

Newt Gingrich spoke on the campaign trail yesterday about the fundamental difference in perspective between a Liberal and Conservative. He illustrated this difference by telling a funny story about the time, not so long ago, under the Carter administration when Americans were only allowed to by gas on alternating days depending upon whether their license plate ended in an even or odd number.

A friend of the Speaker's, who was thirteen at the time, was actually given a screwdriver and the job of changing the license plate of whichever car needed gas that day to match the required number.

The Speaker than made the point that when a law is so stupid that the average thirteen-year old can easily circumvent it, you know you have a fantastically dumb law. He went on to explain that if know that you're a Conservative if it is obvious to you to repeal that dumb law and you know that you're a Liberal if you immediately propose to put License Plate Police at every gas station.

Hilarious, right?

But now I'd like to illustrate how far left we've moved since even the senseless economic policies of the seventies. If that law were in effect today, this state and this administration would have already hired those License Plate Police to thoroughly investigate every vehicle before purchasing gas.

If found guilty, the officer would immediately issue a modest fine in the amount of $500 and declare that he also witnessed you not wearing a seat belt, issue you a fine for that infraction and bring the total bill up to $650. All of this would only take about forty-five minutes out of your day and since we all have total job security for life just like every last government employee, we will happily tolerate the delay.

In addition, these License Plate Police, who will henceforth only be referred to as the Working Class by the people who created their jobs, as part of their salary will be paid for a two-week vacation every year, for not working every federal holiday, for sick days, in addition to receiving splendiforous health insurance benefits the like of which are unheard of in the private sector. For their duty and sacrifice, they will retire at the ripe middle-age of 55 to lounge in the sun in Florida and travel the world while they receive %80 of their salary every year for life and the life of their spouse. All of this will be paid for by their neighbors, or as they refer to them "law breakers", whom they will make a living handing out fines to.

Eventually the License Plate Police will need a four-year degree in Plate Authentication from a certified college in order to qualify for the job. It will cost $40,000 dollars to get the degree from his local college but that's okay. The aspiring Plate Police officer will easily qualify for a student loan at a ridiculously low interest rate because the people he will someday be issuing tickets to are being taxed to subsidize his loan. This degree, manifestly, will be worthless in any other field of enterprise in the private or public sector. No matter. It is a degree and as such the Plate Police Officer will be entitled to compensation in pay equal to that of a person in the private sector with a similar degree. Of course, with every promotion an officer will need to attain another worthless degree which will then entitle him to yet another pay raise in accordance with what he would be making in the private sector had he chosen that route.

And that is how the Working Class will be making the same as your average doctor.

by C. C. Kurzeja 2012 All Rights Reserved


Anonymous said...

Only you could have described this insanity, in such splendiferous terms.

Flicka Spumoni said...

Thanks, mom -er-anonymous!